Life in General
Times like these always drain me
my soul torn apart
my heart ripped to shreds
can it be simple, cant it be easy
I cry everyday
sometimes about life itself but mostly about how confused my life is
what direction do I take my next step?
Confusion? Anger? Drug induced sorrow?
If I keep pushing it down will I eventually explode
or will it go away?
I blame myself again for things I didnt do
I try not to look back for all I see are wasted days and sleepless nights wondering is it worth moving on?
Life is one trip that can never be taken again yet we seem to all end up the same way except for the lucky few
day in, day out we are guided by the government to do what is 'good' for us
what the fuck is that?
At the age of 5 we begin pre school then for the next 14 years we go to school and think I cant wait till school is over then Ill be happy, well ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys sorry to burst the fucking bubble but it doesnt go like that. Yeah maybe your set free from the prison of school and your parents but then your thrown into another cell which isnt like the last one its much more complex and discouraging. There's no oh Ill just make up for it next term, its do or die and if your not qualified you die. We get stuck in jobs we hate on minimal pay and the dreams we had as children remain just that dreams...
oh but then there's your friends, but if you look at most adults 90% of them didnt see their closest friends after school, the only thing they hear about them is when they die...sorry but I want to go against the tradition and live my dreams and keep my friends I want to be there when they are sick I want to be the last face they see before the pass on...I want to be the one to tell them that everything is gonna be ok and that there will be no more suffering after this...but then again I could be wrong about that too...is there a heaven and hell?? If so which religion is the 'one' that'll get me there they all say that they are correct even the people with no religion say that theirs is the way to go well once again my head is spinning and cant seem to stop to check the facts.
I think Ill just close my eyes for the rest of the trip and see how far I can get...
sadness...happiness...misjudgment...its tearing me on the inside and it hurts...if there is an answer to the question of life I wanna know it...
"tomos fayes le jua la carpirocia"
understand that and you'll understand me
A Prison With No Walls
Shit, I cant thinking anymore I wish I could take back things that I have said, sometimes I wish I could take back the freedom I had before I got trapped in this cell. When I say cell dont think of a small room with bars and cold hard floors, I mean an invisible cell that doesnt restrain me but I still cant seem to escape it. There are no guards, no barbed wire fences, no sirens go off when I try to escape. Sometimes I get away but I always end up coming back on my own accord.
But Im so used this prison that if Im away for too long I start to miss it, crave it, need it...I'm lying in my room sweating for I've escaped the cell for tonight but my mind is racing and my heart is pulsating for my mind needs the harsh and cruel world of the cell to survive. I dont know what to do will I ever escape for good? Or am I in it for a life sentence...
Where would I be if I never ended up here?
"The crying game only ends once it all has begun...will you be my demise?"
Waterfalls, Deserts and a Box
Life is a series of waterfalls, one minute your floating easily down a stream the next your in intense rapids when all of a sudden the world as you know it disappears from under your feet and you come crashing down into a harsh, dense reality of pain, love and costly living terms. But I seem to survive this fall and pick myself up again and begin floating down the new stream, only to come to another waterfall.
emotions?
emotions?
emotions?
emotions?
emotions?
emotions?
emotions?
emotions?
trapped in these things I cry for help
trapped in canyons I weep for you
Beat to death with a shovel and a new smell
leave me here Im dying, kick me while Im down I dont care. I owe you, you owe me, owe I you? Cant I be simple? no one will ever understand me, not in a million years. Im just a scared little boy in a lonely world.
me is a strong word. myself isnt so destroying. I is the real killer.
"the world is made up of illiterate apes that beat your ass in high school for being a 'fag' now sell you tuneless testosterone anthems of misogyny and pretend to be outsiders..."
yesterday I was nobody, I wanted to be somebody, today Im just a figment of your imagination and if you dont see me soon Ill just fade away...
killjoy?
killjoy?
killjoy?
killjoy?
killjoy?
killjoy?
killjoy?
killjoy?
it makes no sense at all, why when my life is cruising does it seem to be torn in half and the pieces lost? not only do I have to put it back together but I have to find the pieces first.
can machines love? can animals imagine? can humans live?
I had a dream I was in a desert and it was sand as far as my eyes could see...there was a box...I didnt dare open it in fear of what was inside...I slept then dreamt of opening the box and there was a letter inside that I couldnt read all I could make out was the words 'I wish you were here'...then I woke still in the desert...the letter made me think...am I alone in this desert?...having the dream about the letter gave me an idea...thats all I am...an idea...this desert an idea...the box an idea...but still I refrained from opening it...then all of a sudden I got the urge to run from the box so I began and didnt stop till I fell down...I rubbed my eyes and when I opened them there were two things wrong...the box was back...and the world was upside down...I stayed close to the ground so I didnt fall down into the sky...but then I realized something...the world wasnt upside down...the box was...
Tragic isnt it
"a man who bellows on TV shant be taken seriously"
336 Hours
I feel hot. I just had a bath.....bubbles, music, candles.....oooooohhhhhhhh heaven on earth.
I'm in the front row.....the front row with popcorn.
I tried to grasp the idea of your last letter...can I guess it was about the chemical substance that tends to take over? Taking a stab in the dark. Yes, it has been too long agreed. I go back to the hellhole that pulls my mind to pieces on Tuesday. I dont think I am aware of why my silly lil' brain hangs up.....laugh? I believe I am becoming more and more cloistered within myself...begin to understand this head of mine, it makes me have new theories of all aspects of the world...why does this happen, how does this happen...laughing, breathing deeper, eyes slightly shut, everything more complex the world is merely a stage, smiling why? start to become sleepy.....sleep is the best time to think, dreaming, intelligence is no where near as important as imagination.....you can explore places u have never been before. I cant go down the same track so many have been...yet the last 336hrs I have been drawn to it.....
fightin.....what is this about?
call me...me call you...sumtink.
"I was afraid of a handle flying off, I was afraid of the engorged holes in the walls, I was afraid of my mind, brain, skin, bones.....I have as much as rage as you, you were my best friend, you were my teacher, u were brother, u were my mentor, u were my very own imperfect character."
I think I shall go and look at the moons face watch the stars drift and imagine I am swimming in them..... "that I would be good even if I did nothing"
"that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down"
"that I would be good even if I got and stayed sick"
"that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds"
"that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt"
"that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth"
"that I would be great if I was no longer queen"
"that I would be good with or without you"
"that I would be grand if I was asleep"
"that I would be loved even if I was not myself"
"that I would be good even if I was overwhelmed"
"that I would be good even if I was fuming"
"that I would be good even if I was clinging"
"that I would be good even if I lost sanity......?
One
Dear
I like you a lot, I realize your in a relationship with someone right now...and I respect that, Id like you to know that if your ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in California, I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song.
Dear
I liked you too much, I use to be attracted to boys who would lie to me, and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self destructive for my taste at the time, I use to say the more tragic the better, the truth is whenever I think of the late 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday.
Dear
I love you muchly, you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and constantly there for me, I kept bringing you in and pushing u away, I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time, you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself, what was wrong with me?
Dear
You rocked my world, you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldnt let me get away with kicking my own ass, but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did, and its kinda too bad cause we could've had much more fun.
Dear
We learned so much, I realize we wont be able to talk for sometime, and I understand that as I do you, the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you, about your courier and your whereabouts...
I always wish I knew where the day was going to lead. Its like a huge code and as you progress you slowly but surely crack it, is it a mission? A chore? A duty? Or just simply part of life?
I never stop thinking, wondering what if, when? WHY DO I DO THIS?
I'm too tired to recount the unplensentaries one by one, one minute I want to banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along with my three favorite CDs ambivalent yet in your bed we've yet to acknowledge what really happened. I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you dont always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot reciprocate in my current state I think we should be careful how much time we spend together. You never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly not analyzed prodded at more ways than one apparently you've been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being slung towards your outrageous fortune.
One......One.......One.......One.......One.......One.......One
CRAZINESS? MENTAL STATE? HAVE I ABUSED MY POWER? REGRET? SORROW? SORRY?
Its all going to fall apart one day and its all going to come crashing down without a warning......I guess just like when u reach a waterfalls edge......would you be there at the bottom? or would you be the one at the top.....?
.FAKE INDENTIFICATION.
Please Bleed
I could have treated you better, you couldnt have treated me worse. Oh but its he who laughs last, its he who cries first, sometimes i feel i know strangers better than i know my friends, why must a begginning be the means to an end? Meeting is such sweet sorrow, Cause someday we may have to part, Hush don't you make a sound, You're gonna let me down, Good things to come to those who wait. But good things are gone from those who are late, All that I am is all I can give, But with or without you my life I must live. Forgetting ain't easy you stay on my mind, Thoughts of us haunt me can't leave them behind. Things ain't the same since you've gone insane let's take some time and ease the strain. You so hastily reply The moment that you said it Already regret it. There is no night and there is no day, it is all one shade of gray Some will pass and some will stay Is this the end or just one more day? Please bleed So I know that you are real So I know that you can feel The damage that you've done Who have I become To myself I am none. Make me feel like a battle, that cannot end in peace Make me feel like running, as if I've lost my nerve Make me feel like crying, tears I don't deserve. Is this really living sometimes it's hard to tell
Or is this a kind of gentler hell Turn out the lights And let me stare into your soul I was born and bled for you. I don't want to live, I don't want to live alone. As these words are with my tongue I question why they're even sung I have promised but I lied I don't even know myself inside.
Cat in the Tree
Its an amazing thing. walking around. around. peace?
Blowing, circuling, spinning. sky above. grass below. hold on. stumble.
Your put here for...neverending chance of bliss. On the walls I see it. Future? enclosing in on me. dont.
Yellow. white. red. YELLOW.
Shining? Catholic?
We make up for so much time a little too late. Quite well. following in a straight not badly line.
Succeeded? Closing on me. Back. Spinal cord. In pain. Adjust, ah so much better. tip toeing. left, right, left, right...arghh vacuum cleaner. left right left...sceptic? special? standing in the middle looking up. Snakes. Head crushed. Spikes. Urangatanges wear tongue colour in hair. Dream...haha. creek. sitting. run away from delusions. we had our minds made up for us. Imagination looked down upon. Intelligance so high.
Cling too? Foil?
soke. Poke. toke. wanna smoke?
No added sugar the invisible, invetible character notices with big blue eyes. Skinnier. She holds a bigger threat to herself than the ciggarette she consumes. I recommend walking around naked in your living room. look up before the dust settles. You'll learn. Medicine in the cabinet. One pill. Two Pill. 77 pills? I also recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time....feel free.
Flying. Rapidly. So high up there, do you believe in satan, god? Carl does. when u leave no-one is seperated anymore we all live in a harmonious world.....everyone is forgiven everything is forgotten.
Firetrucks are coming up the roundabout. Bleeding. Cat in the tree.
Stuck to my wrist. you live you learn. all the fundamental concepts bring us together.
J'aime toi...beaucoup, Tu est tres jentil et beau. Merci beaucoup Chris pour aide moi, et pour beaucoup de chose. Tu ecoute tres bon. tu est le dirigier. Tu voudrais une visser? HaHa. Roman de chevalerie.
Sen demander....tu faible?
Je desirer....espoir, c'est unde conne chose.
AND WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT FIGURED.
l'amore. Baiser. Entreinte. Heureux et Paix.
I Divorce
I pianti di paura sono sentiti dalla stanza che dimoro...
chants of hope come from the cries i scream...
drea ist Ihr ein poo Kopf...
once there was man and this man would always wear a different animal skin everyday, now this man was being watched, a girl watched him everyday walk by with a different skin on and she thought to herself that he was a crazy man and shouldnt be allowed in public but she never said anything...one day she followed him to where he went, he went to the grocer, the butcher, the barber and then the cinema, the girl realised that he was a normal man that he just wore animal skins, now where this girl lived was cold and she could never seem to keep warm on some days, while walking home one day she see an animal skin for sale...cheap...so she bought it and when se tried it on she realised that it was the warmest she had ever been, warmer that fire it self, she now realised why the man wore these things everyday and she became accustomed to wearing one aswell but never let the man see...she was sitting in a cafe when a man walked over to her wearing normal clothes and as he got closer she reckognized him...it was the animal skin man, now she had the animal skin on and realiesed she had no where to run so she decieded to see what he had to say...this is what he said "Følgende meg omkring hele dagen var en ting men slitsom dyrhud akkurat fordi jeg gjorde virkelig freaked meg ut dont noensinne snakker med meg." then he turned and walked away...dumb founded by the fact that he spoke to her and also that she had no idea what he had just said the girl just sat there and watched him walk away...she never saw that man again and she never found out what he said but she still wore animal skins everyday because they kept her warm and soon enough she noticed a man following her around one day...to the grocer, the butcher, the..........
jeg skiller you
jeg skiller this life
jeg skiller cries of pain
jeg skiller hate
jeg skiller love
jeg skiller, jeg skiller, jeg skiller everything
space is the final thing that man wants to disrupt, why the fuck not...
i've seen the future, i've seen the past, i just wish life would slow down so i could see the present...
i spit upon my plate and I disrupt the family
Purity: at its finest
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handsonmyfaceoverbearingicantgetout.
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